Romantic relationships are an important area of our lives that we are all familiar with. And yet there are many aspects surrounding it that are confusing, or do not make any sense at all. Why does virtually everybody cheat on their partners when it clearly should not be worth it? Why do women go after rich guys that don’t respect them and men pursue nearly any girl they see?

All can be clarified if approached systematically and from its logical foundations, instead of the usual point of view. Traditionally it is being analyzed either through our very subjective experience or common knowledge that is heavily burdened by cultural traditions.

This overview starts only from trivial axioms that are the foundation of any life and just the basic biological difference between men and women (yes, they do exist). From there, through logical steps, comparing them from the men’s and women’s perspectives, it builds up all the way to our real life issues.

Before I start, I would like to clarify a few points to avoid some common misconceptions.

The first point is that there is a major divide within our minds. Large part of what is happening inside us and what is running our decisions are hard-wired, genetically preprogrammed instincts. The other part of us is our aware consciousness – the part that we perceive as “us”. The conscious part of our minds believes that it itself is the only decision maker, while in fact is mostly doing the bidding of the unconscious instincts. That is all fine as long as we are aware of it. From my experience, some people are aware, and some people are not at all. But more importantly, many refuse that notion as it requires accepting that we do not have as much control as we would like to believe we have.
This article taps a lot into the hard wired areas of us and so at least accepting the possibility of it is a necessary requirement for understanding it.

Another important point is the effect of culture, which is very strong, but relatively short. We evolved over millions of years under some, rather stable, conditions. Only over the last couple thousand years the conditions started to change drastically by emergence of larger and larger societies and their cultures. Even more drastic changes are brought by technologies in recent history, the timespan of which is basically nothing in comparison. The way the world as we know it looks like and what we take for granted is one thing. What conditions we are hard-wired for is quite another. These two origins of our conditioning are often clashing drastically, which we have all experienced.

A striking example is contraception. Technically, it is a game changer. We can now have sex with anyone without having children from it. Technically, cheating should be totally fine as a result. That may be true, to some degree, on the level of reason. But reason can hardly change how we feel about things and contraception was not around when our instincts, and the ensuing emotions, evolved. This article taps a lot into the hard wired areas of us and so at least accepting the possibility of it is a necessary requirement for understanding it.

In short – if during reading you find something outrageous or plain stupid, please, try to recall those two points above which may help you see it in a new light.

This article taps into the hard wired areas of us a lot so at least accepting the possibility of it is a necessary requirement for understanding it.

So let’s get started. Throughout the whole table, men’s side is on the left, women’s on the right.

Men	Women
The main axiom: the main goal of all living things is to spread their genes (that means also similar genes) That is how nature made us and it is shared by all of life. Reason is that anything alive that did not try their best to spread got extinct. Only those who tried their hardest made it through billions of years of evolution to this day.
Strategies for spreading of genes
There are 4 main ways to do it: 1. Make children in large number (quantity) 2. Make children with good genes = high ability to spread their own genes (quality) Children only help spread our genes as much as they spread themselves. 3. Raise and support one’s own offspring, increasing their chances (care) 4. Support other individuals with similar genes The more similar the better – that is why we prefer to help (even sacrifice for) close family over distant family, our country to another one, human species over kettle.
No. 1 and 2 are the most effective, no. 3 varies, no. 4 is out of our scope now.
What does it take to do no. 1 – make a child?
Few enjoyable minutes	Few sometimes enjoyable minutes + about two years of pregnancy and feeding + lot of nutrients + large chance of death
What are the costs of no. 2 – finding a partner with good genes?
This is complicated and differs in time and culture. But both women and men compete for the best partners (in entirely different ways) and in the end the total effort is comparable.
What are the costs of no. 3 – supporting a child
About the same and quite high for either, BUT
Does not know the child is his. Making the effort less appealing	Knows 100% the child is hers.
What is the potential in no. 1 – quantity
Virtually unlimited	~10
What is the potential in no. 2 – quality
About the same. Offspring gender is random and both can choose partners.
What is the potential in no. 3 – care
Stronger in protection/providing	Necessary in first x months of life
This difference in care approach is unimportant right now. Both parents are important for a child’s survival. But effectively the cost is higher for a man as the child does not need to be his. The more certain he is of his parenthood, the more worthwhile the effort is. The ratio of children by another man is not well known and estimates are between 4% and 30%.
So what is the most effective strategy?
No. 1 – Quantity Because it is just so easy. So easy that only going around and having sex, never caring what happens to the woman/child is an effective strategy. Even if 9/10 die, he can still have many children. Raising a child is only a second option. Note that efficient does not mean easy. Only few men are able to do this successfully.	No. 2 – Quality + No. 3 – raising Because of the cost and no. 1 is not an option. Having a child is extremely expensive and dangerous. Therefore big investment into choosing the sex partner with good genes is worthwhile, and so is an effort of any size to keep the child alive and well.
Choosing a partner
What partner to choose?
There are in fact two kinds of partners. One for sex, to produce a child with one’s own and the partner’s genes. Other is a long-term partner for living – supporting each other and raising children. As a result, different things are expected of them.
Necessary side note – what are the strengths of the genders?
Equipped for combat, hunting, construction Generally whatever is needed for survival. Men are not important for reproduction (!), one is enough for whole town. Which is the reason why they are good for combat and hunting – they are expendable.	Can bear children, communication Ability to bear children is critical for reproduction and fate of any society. Any group can only have so many children (=gene spreading) as they have women. Communication maintains society.
Why need partner for sex?
To make children	To make children and get means Men have the survival means – offering them a chance to bear a child is a way to get them.
Side note – for complete picture – why to try in life?
To be able to get/provide for women Only way to have children. This is why men are so competitive not only over women, but over everything. Not winning any woman means a dead end for his genes.	Do not have to try Only need to find some guy. Men are happy to provide in exchange for the chance to have a child. Women are only competitive over men = their genes and means.
What partner to choose for sex = genes?
Does not matter. The more women the better. Little cost and much to gain. Why limit oneself? This is why men would have sex with about anybody.	One that gives the best genes possible. I.e. making children that will be most successful in spreading further. This is why women go for bad boys – they are shit, but bound to have many children (and may pass that trait to her male offspring). This is why women go for whoever many women want. Because they want their son etc. to also be wanted by many women.
How difficult is it to find a partner to make a child?
Mostly very difficult Because women go for quality (are picky) and are scarce. Top men got many, others get none in their whole life. Wars are, from a big part, fought over women.	Zero effort, if not picky. High to find the best Because men go for quantity. Any effort goes into choosing the best one. Being “hard to get” and provoking men into competition are some ways to find the best.
Why need partner for living?
To be able to ensure children are his To be able to have any sex at all To utilize time between the one-time sexes To be able to effectively pass on his power and wealth To maintain the home Not having one is a viable strategy.	To get safety for herself and children To get other means To pass her partner’s power and wealth onto her children Historically, a woman without man’s protection would die or get kidnapped and her children killed or enslaved.
What partner to choose for living?
One that can bear/raise children One that can best reassure him that he will be the father of the children and will not waste his efforts. This is why young age, virginity and chastity are so sought after.	One with the largest means to provide for safety and needs of her and children and to pass the means to the children. Age is not important. Power is. A wealthy powerful son is a nuke of gene spreading
So who is attractive?
Attractive is exactly what fulfills the needs above. Nature programmed us to like that which will help us spread.
Cheating
Today it is mostly called “cheating” (let’s ignore for now that it can be allowed by the partners) and that is what we will focus on from here. Historically, it often worked differently – men having harems or women being shared by tribes as examples. While these approaches are important in general, the are not for our purposes now.
Why to “cheat” on the long-term (for life) partner?
To have many low effort children Remember, having sex with as many women as possible is the top strategy for men.	To get the best genes possible for her child. Her long-term partner is probably (99.9%) not the best guy out there – many women need a partner and few men are at the top. But they can still cheat and give her children the good genes.
What makes the “cheating” bad? How does it harm the long-term partner?
He diverts some of his wealth and attention that could be hers or her children’s. If things go wrong, he might have to provide for another child. There is a chance he will change for the other woman.	Her goal is to bring other man’s child for her long-term partner to take care of, inflicting a significant cost (and a lie) on him. Good chance to change for a “better” guy if feasible.
What makes the “cheating” ok?
He goes for quantity -> does not want to spend more than he has to. He just goes and comes back and does not want to care. Since the “quality” is less important, he is less likely to change his partner.	Nothing really
How “bad” is the “cheating” overall?
Somewhat This is why polygamy is common and why women often overlook the cheating.	Very This is why, in places, women get executed for cheating. And so are men who cheat with married women.
Why are they jealous?
To find and prevent the negatives outlined above. The jealousy is proportional to the threat – a lot higher for men. That is why men go and kill the offending man. Not the woman though as he still needs her to make children.

Things are not pretty. Nature did not program us to be nice and honest and fair, but to do things that hurt our partners and ourselves too, for the sake of spreading our own genes. I am not advocating for any of this nor I like it. But that is a reality that is not going away anytime soon.

Not closing our eyes and being aware of how things work is a good start of dealing with it though.

“Fixing” it

“Fixing” it is very hard. Sure, contraception can wipe out the real consequences. But it can’t change how we feel about it. These instincts are ancient and important and form the roots of who we are. They are behind some of our deepest emotions, such as love, and what we like and dislike. Keep in mind that this article is only an outline and does not capture the whole complexity of the subject, nor the countless ways it connects to other parts of our minds and bodies – affecting everything in our lives. 

I will not try to propose solutions here, but will only give a warning. Trying to “fix” some of it – how we feel – can hardly be done without side effects and can be dangerous. For instance, many people now believe jealousy is wrong and they try to remove it from their personality (so that they can have sex without limits). But I don’t think that can be done without the likely danger of changing and damaging other parts of us, such as the way we love. So try it with caution.

What we can do, on the other hand, safely, are two things. One is to be more understanding of others. While these instincts are often based on bad reasons, people are usually not at all aware of them and just follow their programming. The urge to cheat is no more wrong than jealousy, or love. All exist for the same reason. Having these urges and emotions is not wrong – it is who we are. Whether we act upon them and how is quite another thing. Once aware of our actions and reasons behind them, we get new power and also full responsibility and from there we can call others and ourselves accountable.

Final words

While the article only focuses on sexuality, the outlined differences between genders have much wider implications affecting everything we do. I will not go deeper than I already have. If your only takeaway is that men and women are not the same – as it is popular these days to claim – it will already be a big step towards avoiding very costly mistakes.